And then anxiety meets depression, and they fall hard and fast. They move in together almost immediately. Anxiety and depression are the "Kim and Kanye" of mental illnesses.
I say this because I suffer from both.
Being a first-gen college student in my last semester doesn't necessarily help.
So I set myself up for failure regarding my senior project.
See, I am a Communications major with a concentration in Strategic Communication. I have experience in coding, public relations, social media, writing...
However, the one thing I never really explored during my college career was filmmaking.
I am a total left-brain. I fell in love with the pen in first grade. I get chills when I hear a really good song. And I've been told I am a natural painter.
So combining the aspects of storytelling with appealing visual aesthetics and an incredible soundtrack sounded like a dream.
I always like a challenge, so I decided to try my hand at filmmaking for my senior project. About 3 weeks ago I was in Ocean City with my boyfriend and some of our friends for the notorious H2Oi car event. What started a few years ago as a weekend-long Audi and Volkswagen car show has spiraled into one of the country's largest, 4-day long modified car event at the tail-end of Ocean City's Summer season.
The locals hate us. The cops love to make money off us.
This was my second year attending, and when we arrived on Thursday, September 28 there were already twice as many cars as last year.
I had already had a mental breakdown that Monday wondering how I was going to have an entire 25 minute long video edited in a month for the first round of presentations (while now taking 17 credits and working 30 hours a week).
So when we arrived and I saw some of the filming equipment others had, I immediately felt about three feet small. Couple that with the fact that we were staying with quite a few people I hardly knew, and I definitely didn't pack warm enough clothes, my anxiety skyrocketed, and I proceeded to shut down for the remainder of the weekend.
I knew I wasn't getting enough footage, and by the time we left on Sunday I was in full-on panic mode. I resorted to avoiding it altogether and when I had to meet with my director this past Thursday I had convinced myself that I would fail anyway so I should just stop trying.
Obviously this wasn't the case but that's what that power couple in my brain told me.
So I'm kicking them to the curb, with the help of my director, my therapist, and the constant reminder that in precisely two months I will no longer be a student, for the first time in almost two decades.
It's both liberating and terrifying.
But that's where I'm at right now. On the border of Liberation City and Terrifying Town. It's quiet, and anxiety and depression are distant neighbors for now.
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