Making Something Out of Nothing

October is coming to an end.

Each day passes so quickly I feel I am unable to enjoy the time I have left at school. Not to say I've enjoyed the experience, at least in the last year, but I think it was a necessary struggle for me to go through to be able to better appreciate what's to come in my life.

Justification of effort, they call it; the more time you put into something, the more likely you are to be thankful for it in the end.


Now, what does that have to do with my project?
Well, it sucks. I have spent all weekend working on it, because as of Thursday it was not up to standards. And my presentation is tomorrow.

I felt so stupid, and guilty, and depressed. And still do.
I set myself up for failure. All the signs were there but I just ignored them.

And now I'm paying for it.
But, like with everything else in my life, I will persevere, and make it through.

I may not be a filmmaker, but that's the point. I wanted to challenge myself, and I have. I did this to myself. Because somewhere deep, deep down, I believed in myself.


From storytelling to appealing visuals and a majestic score, I think what intrigues me the most about filmmaking is everything.
Every component is in itself a story, and when all of those things combine it creates a masterpiece.

And to be able to say I did all of that, just me, that's what I want.

So, I'm gonna get it.

On the border of Liberation City and Terrifying Town

Anxiety is a bitch.

And then anxiety meets depression, and they fall hard and fast. They move in together almost immediately. Anxiety and depression are the "Kim and Kanye" of mental illnesses.

I say this because I suffer from both.

Being a first-gen college student in my last semester doesn't necessarily help.
So I set myself up for failure regarding my senior project.

See, I am a Communications major with a concentration in Strategic Communication. I have experience in coding, public relations, social media, writing...
However, the one thing I never really explored during my college career was filmmaking.

I am a total left-brain. I fell in love with the pen in first grade. I get chills when I hear a really good song. And I've been told I am a natural painter.

So combining the aspects of storytelling with appealing visual aesthetics and an incredible soundtrack sounded like a dream.

I always like a challenge, so I decided to try my hand at filmmaking for my senior project. About 3 weeks ago I was in Ocean City with my boyfriend and some of our friends for the notorious H2Oi car event. What started a few years ago as a weekend-long Audi and Volkswagen car show has spiraled into one of the country's largest, 4-day long modified car event at the tail-end of Ocean City's Summer season.

The locals hate us. The cops love to make money off us.

This was my second year attending, and when we arrived on Thursday, September 28 there were already twice as many cars as last year.
I had already had a mental breakdown that Monday wondering how I was going to have an entire 25 minute long video edited in a month for the first round of presentations (while now taking 17 credits and working 30 hours a week).
So when we arrived and I saw some of the filming equipment others had, I immediately felt about three feet small. Couple that with the fact that we were staying with quite a few people I hardly knew, and I definitely didn't pack warm enough clothes, my anxiety skyrocketed, and I proceeded to shut down for the remainder of the weekend.

I knew I wasn't getting enough footage, and by the time we left on Sunday I was in full-on panic mode. I resorted to avoiding it altogether and when I had to meet with my director this past Thursday I had convinced myself that I would fail anyway so I should just stop trying.

Obviously this wasn't the case but that's what that power couple in my brain told me.
So I'm kicking them to the curb, with the help of my director, my therapist, and the constant reminder that in precisely two months I will no longer be a student, for the first time in almost two decades.

It's both liberating and terrifying.

But that's where I'm at right now. On the border of Liberation City and Terrifying Town. It's quiet, and anxiety and depression are distant neighbors for now.